Quotable Quotes

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph. -- Shirley Temple

If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end, it would probably be Labor Day Weekend. -- Doug Lars

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it. -- Bob Hope

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that! -- Tom Lehrer

I was going to buy a copy of "The Power of Positive Thinking," and then I thought: What good would that do? -- Ronnie Shakes

It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every 12 minutes one is interrupted by dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper. --Rod Serling

Somewhere on this globe, every 10 seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped. --Sam Levenson (1911-1980)

Television - a medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well-done. -- Ernie Kovacs

Always remember this: If you don't attend the funerals of your friends, they will certainly not attend yours. -- H.L. Mencken

A good novel tells us the truth about its hero; but a bad novel tells us the truth about its author. -- G. K. Chesterton (1874-1936)

Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the United States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the 9 millimeter bullet. -- Dave Barry

This isn't right. It isn't even wrong. -- Wolfgang Pauli, on a paper submitted by a physicist colleague

Today you can go to a gas station and find the cash register open and the toilets locked. They must think toilet paper is worth more than money. -- Joey Bishop

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it. -- Franklin P. Jones

Red meat is NOT bad for you. Now, blue-green meat, that's REALLY BAD for you. --Tommy Smothers

When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. --Norm Crosby

The imaginary friends I had as a kid dropped me because their friends thought I didn't exist. -- Aaron Machado

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. -- Henny Youngman

The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver. -- Jay Leno

It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose. -- Darrin Weinberg

Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life in which you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you. -- Fran Lebowitz

A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin. -- H.L. Mencken

It ain't so much the things you don't know that get you in trouble. It's the things you know that just ain't so. --Artimus Ward, 1834-1867